» The joke thread

[mr ben]

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman: Hi! My name is Charlotte

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?


1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.



1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[clivester]

> > >1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
> > >2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
> > >3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
> > >4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
> > >5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.
> > >6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
> > >7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut your arms off.
> > >8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
> > >9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

> > >10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
> > >11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > >12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
> > >13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
> > >14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
> > >15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> > >16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> > >17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said " Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
> > >18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha- Chu? But I think its Colin.
> > >19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
> > >20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
> > >21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
> > >22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
> > >23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[Cake]

"The Joke Thread" aka "The Impossible To Read Copy And Paste Jobby Thread".